In a creatively desperate mood!
It's been more than a year now since i posted something here. Not that i have nothing good to write, gosh i've got lots and i love to write....just don't have time to sit down and punch the keys and type the words....let them flow freely and follow what the brain dictates re-counting each specific detail of what i had been doing 24/7 the past 12 months..or pouring out all the things that occupies my mind.....and just let the words flow.... just like the mood i'm in now.
Creatively desperate? is there such a mood?
maybe there is....my own personal mood....since i was the one who concocted this description.
Creative coz out of desperation and in a depressed state now...i felt like am gonna burst if i dont pour out all these negative things and feelings..... of hopelessness.... helplessness. I'm feeling lost... it's like a feeling of being in the middle of a labyrinth...you don't know what direction to take coz' whether you turn right or left...or straight ahead or go back, all of the options seems like it's a wrong turn or move so you can never move forward and end up trying again. It's an endless trial and error or hit or miss thing till you find a way out but doing that entails so much strain on you, mentally, spiritually and drains the hell out of you physically...not to mention the time wasted by committing all those mistakes. You feel so spent, tired and numb even to think what's next or where to?
Where do i go from here? So the song goes.....
Where's "here" for me? "Here" is being in the very same office i applied for twenty-two years ago. I may not be holding the same position or doing the job but i am still here...in this office as dictated by my nationalistic idealism... "for the love of dear Philippines" (it makes me puke now saying that). I never attempted to switch careers not until 3 years ago when i felt the necessity to earn more so i can augment my 4-digit income as a single earner to cope with the demands of providing for the basic needs (food, clothing, shelter and education) of my 4 kids. So i did other jobs on the side....till now. So while my counterparts spend only 8/5 work, i do more than double that means i spend 16-18/7 the past 3 years.
One time, on my way to the bus terminal at 2:00 A.M. so i can be in my job assignment before 9 A.M. , never did i felt so much self-pity that i really couldnt help myself but cry all throughout that 6-hour gruelling trip...and cluthing my bag to feel warm, i asked why on earth am i here, alone, at this wee hour of the morning when all my known contented souls are still in dreamland in their warm beds in the arms of their loved ones?
Another incident was that time i worked straight for 32 hours and while i was surrounded by the total stillness and silence of the night, hearing only the soft purr of the printer.....tears just freely and uncontrollably fell on my cheeks till i dozed off in my chair and woke up with a start 2 hours after when i heard the cocks first crow which signalled the start of the new day for most people while mine has just ended.
"Here" is me and my 2-3 jobs. "Here" is another option i am seriously considering which is to take that offer of my brother to try my luck and get a visa and leave all these 2-3 jobs and my 4 kids and grandson behind. Like that labyrinth, the options or the directions ill choose may not necessarily ensure or lead me to that pot of gold or a life of convenience for me and my kids as there are still obstacles and hurdles i have to face....separation from my family is a big sacrifice in exchange for the expected material gains. Will the latter be worth it?
Who then can help me decide what options to take? What should i consider and what would weigh more?
Am still standing "here".......i am gonna take the first step soon enough and God help me!!
posted by metamorphosis @ 2:26 AM
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